


Research - Part 1

by ChocolateKid



Series: Research [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Dean Does Research, Dean Has Realizations, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Fluff, Hurt, Insecure Dean, M/M, Post-Purgatory, Purgatory, Set After Episode S10E05 Fan Fiction, Shouldn't it be Deastiel?, Story within a Story, Unresolved Sexual Tension, via fanfictions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 05:43:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9370706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChocolateKid/pseuds/ChocolateKid
Summary: After attending the Supernatural musical, things have changed for Dean. Sam keeps making fun of him and his supposed crush on his winged friend and Dean starts significantly doubting his platonic feelings towards Cas. He decides to do some research.Or: Dean reads fanfiction.~~~Set after the events of S10E05 "Fanfiction"





	

**Author's Note:**

> I originally planned on posting something smutty today but I was in a fluffy mood, so I posted this instead. The fanfiction within the fanfiction is also written by me. (And no, I did not post it on here before and I don't know if I ever will...)

**Dean's POV**

"Soo... You're really Dean, huh?" one of the musical actresses had said.

"The one and only."

"May I ask... Are you really in love with Castiel?"

I hadn't answered.

* * *

 It was a few months later. I'd stopped thinking about the musical a while ago already and the only thing reminding me every once in a while was Sam's teasing. He joked about it a lot, apparently not taking it as seriously as I did, and it made me slightly uncomfortable every time. I didn't really want to think about it.

It was kind of annoying though, whenever I as much as _looked_ at Cas, Sam muttered some inside joke under his breath and honestly, I was so sick of it. I usually left the room whenever that happened.

The thing was, I wasn't sure. I didn't know whether I was in love with Castiel and I couldn't see why everyone assumed we belonged together. He was my best friend and I'd always thought that was enough for me. He was family!

And yet, my feelings for him were nothing like my feelings for Sam.

I retreated to my room. Sam just cracked another joke about the _unresolved sexual tension_ in the room and I simply couldn't take it. Sam didn't know that he hurt me with it every time, but then again, I didn't know why I was so hurt in the first place. I shouldn't be.

"Destiel," I scoffed under my breath.

What did those fangirls see in Cas's and my interactions that I did not? I mean, yeah, Cas did stare a lot but that was just the way he was. And yes, I still prayed to him every night even though he was in the room next door's, but honestly, who else would I pray to? He was the only one to ever answer.

I opened my laptop. Why not find out when the internet was full of fangirls? They'd give me an explanation for sure and once I found it, I could dismiss it gladly, knowing there was not an ounce of truth in it.

 _Destiel_ , I typed in the search bar. The first thing that popped up was a link to a fanfiction site. Was I really about to do this to myself? Well, I didn't have to read the ones that included sex, I could just search for a harmless one that would help me figure out everything.

I clicked the link.

I scrolled down slowly, reading the summaries of various fanfictions warily, until I found a relatively short one that sounded promising.

 

_What really happened in Purgatory. (No smut!)_

 

I didn't know what smut was supposed to be but I clicked the link anyway, curious as to what the author came up with.

It started out surprisingly realistic and reading it felt more like remembering than anything else. It talked about how Cas and I got stranded in Purgatory and Cas disappeared without a trace. It described the way I went out looking for him, threatening monsters to tell me his location. Nobody ever answered. It even included me praying to Cas, night for night, desperate to find him, and my stomach clenched hurtfully at the memory.

I'd been so scared of losing him.

But I'd be scared if it was Sammy as well, so it still counted as platonic.

Then I met Benny and convinced him to help me in my search for Cas. In return, I'd get him out of there.

It was another half year until we finally found him.

I read.

 

 _"_ _Where's the angel?" Dean asked, repeating the question he'd been voicing so many times already, and for nothing. The hope within him had already started to decrease but this time, it was different. There was something in that monster's eyes that told him he knew. He knew about Cas's w_ _hereabouts._

_"It's a few days' journey," the monster eventually told him, the threats finally showing an effect. "Follow the stream... There's a clearing. You'll find your angel there."_

_And Dean believed him. It was his last hope after all and he didn't see why the monster would lie. He sunk his blade into its throat quickly, stood up and nodded to Benny, beckoning him to get going._

_It would be a few hard days before they found Cas. The journey was difficult and there were even more encounters with monsters of any kind than usual. It might have had to do with the stream running this close by or -and Dean certainly hoped for that- it had to do with their newfound proximity to Cas._

_Then, finally, after five exhausting days, there he was. Crouched down towards the stream, washing his hands and face, was a person wearing a dirty trench coat._

_Castiel. His Castiel._

_Dean felt his heartbeat speed up in his chest, overwhelmed by happiness_ _._

_"Cas!" he exclaimed, hurrying towards his angel, a smile spreading on his face._

_"Dean," Cas said, disbelieving, and all Dean could do was repeat Cas's name another time and wrap him in a big hug. He'd missed this, he realized. He'd missed Cas's smell, his slouched shoulders, the awkward way he didn't hug him back... It was all so very Cas and God, if he hadn't missed him._

_But the one thing Dean had probably missed the most, he realized when he let go off Cas, were his bluer than blue eyes that were staring at him in amazement._

 

I stopped reading right there. I knew what was gonna come next and I didn't want to be reminded of the feeling of betrayal when Cas said he left me on purpose.

Also, I was kind of overwhelmed by the realization that what this story said was actually true. I'd missed all about Cas and _especially_ his eyes...

Our relationship suddenly didn't feel all that platonic anymore.

I decided to skip the part that matched my memory and came to the part the author must've made up.

 

_After Cas and Benny finished eyeing each other up suspiciously and Dean assured them they could trust each other, all three of them got moving. With Cas in tow, they were finally heading towards the exit. According to Benny, who was leading the way because he was the only one knowing his way around Purgatory, it had to be approximately two weeks until they'd reach it._

_They agreed to keep going as quickly as possible, giving the monsters as few time to catch up to them as possible. Of course that turned out to be harder than they'd hoped because Dean and even Cas needed their sleep from time to time. (Apparently, Purgatory had messed with Cas's angel mojo._ _)_

_Fact was, the only one not needing sleep was Benny and he gladly took the watch while the two remaining men were sleeping._

_It was night number three when Dean and Cas first found the time to talk to each other in private. Benny had left them to themselves, keeping an eye out for monsters a few trees away and it was then that Cas approached Dean._

_"Can I lie down next to you?" he asked quietly, standing in front of Dean's almost asleep form, and Dean blinked up at him_ _tiredly_ _. A warm smile spread on his face_ _when he saw Cas fiddling with his trench coat nervously._

_"Sure, Cas," he replied, a little more awake now, and moved to give him some space. Cas got comfortable next to Dean, turning towards him and looking into his eyes in silent contentment. Dean smiled at him slightly and received a happy little smirk in return. Nobody said a word for a while._

_"I missed you," Dean eventually said and it felt good to finally admit this weakness to himself. "I missed you a lot. I don't know what I would've done if we hadn't found you."_

_"I missed you, too, Dean," Cas said, his deep voice_ _holding a sentimental tone._

_Dean's eyes softened at the sound of his sadness and he reached out a hand towards Cas's face. He'd wanted to feel this unfamiliar beard under his fingers ever since they found him, so he did, hesitating only for a short moment. Cas didn't move away and just let Dean caress his surprisingly soft stubble, stroking up and down his cheek slowly. They shared a shy smile and Cas whispered, "I didn't have a knife to shave, sorry."_

_"It's okay," Dean whispered back, not quite sure why they'd lowered their voices, but it just felt right in that moment. Intimate._

_"I kinda like your peach fuzz anyway," he added quietly and stared into Cas's warm eyes for another few seconds before slowly retracting his hand._

_"I'll get us out of here, Cas," he then said, determined. "I'm gonna get the three of us out of here and I won't leave either of you behind. We'll get home together, I promise that to you."_

_Cas averted his eyes for a second, an indecisive expression on his face but then he looked back into Dean's eyes and nodded quietly._

_"I won't leave you again, Dean," he promised and Dean breathed out in relief. That wasn't what he had originally been concerned about but it was still good to hear. They were gonna leave Purgatory, all three of them, and as soon as they were back, life would finally be worth living again._

_Yes, they were going to be out of here soon. Dean was sure of it._

 

"Lies!" I exclaimed, angry tears threatening to spill, and I shut the laptop violently. "All lies!" I repeated and stood up, having to move my feet to get a clear thought, my mind racing.

Reading about our time in Purgatory had hurt more than I'd expected. I'd thought nothing could possibly be more depressing than the parts of the story that actually happened but I was proved wrong quickly. Even the imagined parts hurt like a bitch while reading because they were just so close to home...

I gave up. I wouldn't be able to continue reading this story without opening up more old wounds.

"This has been a stupid idea to begin with," I decided and opened my laptop, planning on shutting it off immediately, but something stopped me.

If I thought about it, this was just one of many fanfictions, there ought to be other, less hurtful ones.

I could at least read one more.

* * *

 It didn't stay _one more_. One became two, which then turned into three, which eventually became a fourth and fifth one. It was astounding how many different stories there were about how Cas and I could've met, how our lives would've turned out if we didn't exist in the universe we were currently stuck in. To be honest, reading the wonderful and sometimes heart-breaking stories made me almost crave the simplicity of a high school world, in which Cas and I met during English class and fell in love within a month.

It was hard to still deny my feelings for Cas when imagining a life with him by my side made my heart ache with desire, causing my head to spin with a hundred possible futures.

I wanted all of that, all of those possibilities... I wanted all of _him_ and I wanted him _now_.

I made a decision.

 _Cas,_ I prayed. _We need to talk._

**Author's Note:**

> Part 2 is now officially published! Thanks for your enthusiasm about this story, it means a lot to me!


End file.
